


a scene self-contained

by Imprise



Series: Second Visions [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Extended Scene, Gen, M/M, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 03:19:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9365702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imprise/pseuds/Imprise
Summary: Sherlock lives small reflections as he struggles with Molly to say the words. There is a lot of silence.





	

Pound, pound, pound. It crawls in his aorta like a dog. John's right there, he's right bloody there, the words he will say prick his throat in argument. He is not watching John, he's watching Molly, Molly doesn't look good and she expects him to act. Her hands shake over the lemon she's slicing so that he knows what will happen, she's going to nick her left thumb down the metacarpal and blot the fruit with blood. He realizes he's never seen Molly's blood before, but these are all very small distractions: Molly won't say the words so that he will have to say them, because Molly believes him to be this cruel and he's done nothing to show otherwise. Perhaps he shouldn't have said the word _experiment,_  he knows that John's eyes would've crinkled badly at it. He wishes he could have seen John's face when he spoke then, checking as always for the small dips and hollows that tell him who he is at that moment: Sherlock Holmes, coldhanded genius, or Sherlock the reborn liar, Sherlock the incompetent, Sherlock chemically devastated or fast incapacitated with love - he doesn't see this latter in John often, but perhaps that's on purpose because when he does it's heartbreaking. It's a cross between surprise and tenderness, something prickling strange lying right underneath. When Mary died Sherlock thought, for a second, that now he might have the chance to peel away John's skin with a soft, soft hand and learn the exact nature of this strangeness. It was a bad thought. Sherlock now isn't certain if it was bad because it sounded selfish - because it was self-centered and painfully raw, or because John would never have let him do it. Not him, not Sherlock bloody Holmes at that point in time. Sherlock will shrivel up not knowing what that expression means, and the day's events seem to suggest he most likely never will.  
But there is Molly and he must speak to her. Sherlock's mind feels like it's splintered into a number of sharp prisms, many of them now marked _John_ and grown weathered with handling. He seems to see a lot more these days and it bothers him, he never used to be so vulnerable to things like this, he feels his pulse slide slowly through the ages. He must tell Molly he loves her and he would've done it without a second thought a year ago, voice as sharp as human flesh and half as breakable. Now there are so many other things to factor in, there is Molly's pale face on the other end; he sees in her hand-tremor the pattern of hard anxiety, knows from the stains on her sleeve and kitchen counter that she spilled a bowl of soup because of it and couldn't mop it up because she was shaking - upset? why so intensely? Family death, bad day at work, tiff with a friend, a medical diagnosis, clinical depression, Sherlock easily eliminates many of the more obvious answers. He must say the words knowing what they will mean to her in this state, and must realize that John is right behind him watching him break her. He knows this is not the last time he will have to be cruel in front of him.  
He shuts his eyes. 'I love you.'  
That didn't sound natural, Sherlock. That sounded broken and unwilling. He won't look at Molly as he says it, there is only one person to whom Sherlock will ever really say it, he has to make it sound right. He turns around into John's small body, watching his eyes narrow with confusion, his weight shifting to rush to Sherlock at the next indication of distress. This is the last chance Sherlock will get to say this and he knows it. Eurus has already told him he'll have to use the gun - there remain no victims more poetic than each other. He is absolutely confident John has to survive, which will be very difficult if Eurus sees how terribly precious the man is; he must tell John, but tell him only like this, as if he's turned his back on Molly out of emotional pain. He sees John has not understood this intention yet and tries to look reassuring; John's eyes have grown wide and vivid. They only have a few seconds.  
"I love you," Sherlock tells him.  
Mycroft is visible on his right, just out of the corner of his eye, but he hasn't moved. He's demonstrated startling humanity today - or vulnerability, depending how you look at it - Sherlock knows he'll have understood what those words really mean. He won't say it again, there's nothing to do but wait, Molly will be less likely to comply if his words sound unnatural. He doesn't have to look at Molly, the connection will distort when she starts to speak; John can say nothing but his face is always a marvel. He's always been easy to read. His mouth thins out slightly, this is one of their ways to kiss each other, the act is quieter and a little too large this time. They both know now what this means, what it means for Sherlock not to go on without him, even if John is alive and well and only a few miles away in cold London. They've known what it means ever since Sherlock spoke in fractures at his sunlit wedding: He thinks that was the last straw, that John's had too many small loves like this. All of this passes through his head in rapid movement as they wait for Molly to speak. He holds his breath in his mouth like cloves.  
"You too."  
That's terribly unexpected, it comes just a moment before Molly says the words and it's quiet enough to hit Sherlock around the temples and spine. Mycroft must hear it but he doesn't move. There is no question that to Eurus, this must remain unknown; Sherlock feels his reaction to be too open to this phrase, jaw loose and mild, and turns his back on John at once. He must have seen Sherlock's mouth part in shock - this is an expression he will not give Eurus -  
he faces his sister with alacrity, listening to her mock his words of love. He will only later show how much of him has been destroyed.

**Author's Note:**

> These scenes have turned out to be quite independent of each other, as a quiet scene wouldn't make sense if preceded by this. I am however placing them into a series, in the hope of creating a gentler season four.


End file.
